Explaining My Paranoia

Today, I received an e-mail from the AUB student who was staying in those dorms with me those last three days. In a very concerned way, she suggested that I see a counselor. She said my behavior and speech became increasingly erratic, my conspiracy theories weirder, and the way I just took off at the end leaving her a cryptic note and not saying anything was very dangerous and, kind of, disturbing.

On my way out of AUB I saw a friend of mine. And I wouldn't stop to say anything.

"What are you doing? Where are you going?" I had my backpack on.

"Just don't tell anyone you saw me," and I kept walking.

"Jane, what are you doing??"

But I, like a weird-o, didn't stop, and just got in the first serveec that drove by.

I went directly to Aley and had the guy drop me off on the road near my friends' house. I swear, I thought, I was in a movie at this point.

Becaues my bag was heavy and I still had to walk a ways to their house, I walked off the side of the road (which always freaks me out because there are mines still around--from that previous war) and hid my bag under a plastic bag and some straw-grass.

When I got to my friends' house, they were standing outside, as if they were waiting for me. It was so weird. It was like a movie. The night before, she had said to come there if I need to and that they might be going to Syria (because she's from Syria.)

So I walked in and I like pulled the curtains so no one could see.

"I have to be in Amman, Jordan now. I"m not waiting for these Americans anymore. This is the third day they told me to wait. They cannot guarantee my safety. I don't think it's safe to go into Syria as an American. I want to find a guy to sneak me across the border with a fake Lebanese passport."

I swear I actually said and thought this. I am not making this up. In fact, I said I would never blog this because I KNOW this is craziness.

And of course, they were like, what the hell, that's craziness.

And then I called my friend, and all like I'm in a movie or something, I was like, "Don't say my name. Just come here now. Say you're coming to Aley. Don't tell your husband or kids or anyone that you're seeing me."

But she couldn't leave. So I talked to her on the phone, which I didn't want to do because I know they're all tapped.

"Does your husband know someone who can get a fake passport and smuggle me through one of these little villages through Syria?"

Now, why such a complicated and foolishly dangerous plan?? Because I had heard that the Syrians were giving Americans a hard time. What if they turned me away at the border? What if they made me wait hours? Or worse? What if the shit hit the fan and someone wanted to kidnap an American? I was so irrationally scared of Syria that I was like, I can't travel there with my American passport.

(Of course, this makes no sense. Everyone was going through Syria.)

So basically after ten minutes of trying to work out this plan, my friends convinced it was crazy. And then he said, "Don't say these things into the phone. They tap the phones."

HAH! See I'm not the only one who thinks like this. It's true.

And I was like, "Damn, I'm jeopardizing your safety."

And they're scared. Really scared. They can't go to Syria. They can't leave their house because they're scared of hte Shia refugees that are everywhere. They're scared that they're going to break into their house, that they're going to cause violence in the neighborhood, and worst of all, that they'll bring Hizbollah and Israeli bombs with them.

"If Hizbolla wins, we'll lose Aley." And by we, he meant the Shia.

[Are you seeing how the sectarian conflict is already beginning???}

So then I directly decided to scrap the plan, and go back to AUB. So I went down the path, found my bag, scratched myself up with all the thorns, and just walked, and then I foudn a random taxi and hopped in. Another $50 to Beirut. I've spent $150 so far.

Then on the way down, I realized I can still go to Amman. . . The normal way. The way all the other people went to Damascus, by a driver. That's how I went the two times I went before, once all by myself.

I realized this when we got to Beirut. I had just called the AUB people telling them to nevermind that note, I scrapped that plan, I'll be going out with you in the evacuation.

But then I decided to go over-land to Amman. But I didn't call them because I was scared they would turn me back at the border and I'd have to come back. So I didn't want to lose my place.

Another $50 to Aley. But then I realized, I could take my stuff--2 big suitcases. And then I didn't feel like such a paranoid, crazy weirdo. Now, I knew I was smart because I would have my stuff. EVeryone else got out with one carry-on.

But really, I'm the stupid, because from Aley, I had to pay $350 to go direct to the Amman airport. Now really everyone said that was an amazing price. Eventhough regularly it would cost $21. But still I was one person, not a whole family, so that made it ending up being more expensive for me. And then $1600 to fly Lufthansa Amman-Frankfurt-Houston. So now the paranoia made me the dumb one, spending all my money, and missing the helicopter ride (but that hasn't been confirmed yet.)

So how do I explain this major craziness? Because I serioulsy freaked myself out. I knew I was being crazy, and I was acting like a double-secret agent. I was scared to tell people my whereabouts because I didn't wnat to endanger the safety of the American evacuation or of my friends.

And I always pride myself on being so resilient and tough. Look, no one else lost it like I did.

But here's how I explain it. The dumb blog and my many friends. Here's the problem: I was receiving too much information and too many suggestions as to what to do.

I think because of the blog, things were just too complicated. I can't compare myself to the other AUB students who weren't constantly blogging, who hadn't spent those first days of the War in Aley, and who might not have people spread out all over the country they were trying to call. And I can't compare myself to my Lebanese friends because they're "used to it" and if they don't have the option to leave, they have to deal with that (denial stuff), in order to survive.

A human can't take and process as much disparate information as I was getting baraged with. After a whole day, blogging, giving phone interviews, and never leaving the dorm--I snapped. I wasn't protecting my Mental Safety.

That's why the next day, I chose to sacrifice my Physical Safety and run around Beirut. Because my Mental Safety had already been so jeaopordized.

Because, don't you see, I was thinking too much about everything and had to make quick decsions based on too much information. Wouldn't that make anyone snap? And blogging too makes you crazy. You can't ever get "the next post" out of your head.

Or maybe I'm just too sad about what's going to happen.

I'm really disappointed in myself for losing it at such a critical time. And it's embarrassing because all the people who are reading it. I wonder if there's a first time for everything, and the next time I encounter such stress, I'll be able to handle it . . . gracefully.