The boat is empty--Call the media AND the awful things I saw last night

I just talked to Jared and George. They are students at AUB (American Universtiy of Beirut) and have been getting the inside scoop from the Consulate.

They're on the boat. And it's pulling out in 3 minutes.

And it's empty.

I'm saying this while crying and shaking because I've been crying and shaking and a major banshee-ish bitch to everyone around me all day. They're all like, "you have to calm down." "We need you to be quiet." But I'm freaking out on everyone. The doorman was like, "She's crazy."

I haven't slept in 3 days. And I saw and felt awful, awful things last night.

I talked to my brother and Steven afterwards. They can tell you about it. I even e-mailed Steven. I'll try to find it and send it because I don't think I can write it.

So, I'm shaking.

George is so pissed. He's taking pictures and is going to send them directly once he gets to Cyprus.

He thought they wouldn't leave for another couple hours. And they just said the boat is leaving in 3 minutes.

We're all waiting in our places, like the Embassy has told us to do. Because they're supposed to come get us.

Of course, yesterday, I knew that AUB studnets were on a one-hour alert, and one girl said "Just come down and get on the boat, because they're not going to call you."

But then Jared was like no, do what the Embassy says, becasue they can't deal with all these crowds. And that's what my mom says and that's what make sense.

And all day since I knew they were waiting at the port, I was like, Shit, do I take my stuff now and run. They told me where they were. I had the inside scoop. I easily could've gotten there in 20 minutes. But then everyone is like stay where you are.

My dad's going to kill me when he reads this. Because he's been like Get your stuff ready and be ready, since Wedenesday. He wouldv'e been on that boat.

But instead I'm here blogging. Because in a way I'm still not sure if I want to be on it.

Yesterday when I talked to STeven and Charlie I was decided I would have nothing to do with Americans. I don't think they can protect my safety. But then someone said they have anti-mmissile crap and can shoot down missiles and these boats and helicopters with Americans in it are really safe. Whatever. Hizbolla can do whatever they want. People say it's not in their best interest. None of this shit makes sense. If you saw the shit I saw yesterday and literally felt the air push you back from the bomb like I did, you'd see how fucked up it is.

So the boat is empty. George and Jared have already been all over CNN and ABC News. So I'm sure you'll see them in Cyprus.

And let me just say I love Jared. He's a wonderful, amazing human being. And believe me in these last couple days I lost faith in humans. My brother and Steven can tell you that too.

But while I was standing on the balcony talking to Jared on the phone last night getting the scoop, I heard the planes flying overhead.

I was like, "Do you hear that??"

"Yeah."

I went back inside and felt a huge bomb. It shook everything. I ran out to the balcony and saw a huge red/orange cloud of fire over what I thought was the Dahiya (I guess it was Jamhour).

"Oh my God! What the hell is that? It's a huge cloud, Jared. It's not like those red flashy stars that look like fireworks that I saw a couple nights ago."

And then I heard the planes again. And now I'm just crying and shaking.

And then I see what looks like a white flash of lightning, like a zigzag, and it was short, not like from high in the sky, from low. "Oh my God, Jared, It's like a flash of lightning. Oh God" And I kind of just braced myself.

And then there was the huge ass boom and I felt the gust of air push me back.

And I'm just freaking out.

And Jared is like Jane, "Calm down. You're getting it so loud up there because of thtat view and the acoustics of the mountain. Obviously, it's natural to be reacting like this. . . Go inside. Stop watching."

I can't stop watching.

And then I saw these three white lights in a row in the sky, like over my head. And then they disappeared. And then there were four white lights in a row ahead of where the others were. And then they disappeared. And then three white lights made a falling arc, like they were nose diving inot something. And they disappeared. And I was just like, "Shit, what the hell is that???"

And all the nieghbors are like, "Don't be scared. Please come to our house. It's okay. They're not going to get us."

And I'm like, "Where is it? And they said some stuff down.

And Jared is so great and so calm and really dealing so well with a freaked out person on the phone. And he just stayed on the phone reassuring me and validating my feelings until I was ready to get off. That would be a hhorrible position for anyone to be in. But I think he's a wonderful person, and I will always be grateful for the way he treated me in last night.

Some people are saying I'm only going to get on a boat with some wasta-- that means connections, in ARabic. The owners of the school are somewhere in the U.S. and haven't done anything. The guy e-mailed me back to a question about Cyprus. Didn't ask how I was doing? Or what he was doign to help me?

I'm sure that Internatioanl College adn American Community School got their teachers on that boat. But I'm here with an American family and their 2 boys--who just got to Lebanon and know nothing about the place.

So my mom has been calling the STate Department. I don't know if we know that we're in Aley. I'm sure everyone is calling. Trying to get their people on the special list of the people who will get bussed down to the port.

I don't think I'm going to wait for the call. I'm just going to go to Beirut myself either tongiht or tomorrow morning.

But this shit is so crazy. I haven't slept in 3 days, because I've been in this position where I'm literally having to make a life-or-death decision. I stopped blogging because I was going crazy. Adn I decided not to listen to anyone who just has CNN info. I have to go with the inside scoop and my own gut. But my brain is frazzled. I'm surprised I can type.