Don't Worry--I'm Getting On that Boat

I will be with the AUB contingent getting on whatever. Because if the US attacks anyhthing, it might not necessarily be the one I'm on.

I'm leaving because of my mother. That's it. She will be dead if she doesn't see me soon.

ARe you all taking care of her?? Don't leave her alone now please. Even if she says she wants to be alone. PLEASE take care of her.

I've talked to many people who say the same thing.

Because of course we're experiencing some major survivor's guilt.

I hung out with 4 Lebanese friends today who can't leave. Two were acting normal. Getting up going to work. Not lettting it stop their routine. Today i nthe car we were goignthrough lights and easily found an illegal spot to park in the always crowded Ashrafiya, where we ate lunch in a restaurant.

"See there are advantages to war."

Major denial. And me like a dumbass. Being all serious. "It's going to bad." I'm so evil. Why am I saying this??? She knows. But she's in denial. It's a survival mechanism.

But two other friends are really sad. They kind of asked me in indirect ways if I can hook them up with visas to the U.S. In a way, they see me as their only way out. (One of the reasons I wanted to make a business. Is so that I could get work visas for all my friends in different countries to come to U.S. I mean, damn, I cna't marry all of them.)

It's so disgusting what I'm leaving them to.

But I, Jane Rubio, am not an insurance policy. I and other Americans are completley expendable. My staying here is a death wish that will change nothing.

And I have to see my mom ASAP. The stress is going to put her in the hospital.

BUT I'll make a decision at the port tomorrow. ARE there 40 Marines (CNN) or 1000 (Lebanese friend with family in the South who claim to have seen)??? This will help me make my decision.

Also, I have numberous Lebanese friends who are still going to go to Syria/Jordan. (Though no where is safe in this impending U.S. invasion--complete Middle East region War.) But if I think it's better they know how to cross through their villages and different places. People of course are crossign on foot. I cna't go with them. But I received two specific inviatations today. And it will ALWAYS be a possibilty.

But for now. I'm just getting on that boat. REally don't worry. I hope the people told to meet at 8 a.m. don't get left behind. EVeryone is gathering at the Marina now.


Yes, you all know, I want to stay and report live frmo the front lines and get you the real story. Becaues right now, you're just watching Hollywood images.

And believe me the survivor's guilt is unbeleibable. I just talked to four of my friends in Beirut. I was out running around all day. (My poor mother kept calling. She knew I was out. She was BEGGING me to go back to the dorm. I could hear her freaking out and crying.) But she knows me. I didn't go out. Instaed I drove all over Beirut, went to the port, and like the biggest dumb ass. I can't believe I did this.

I sawthe people all gathered waiitng to get on the boat. And I didn't aks them their nationality!!!! I assumed they were Canadian and French or British and some Americans because that's what everyone was saying. The Canadians spent the night in Biel last night and the British in the Forum.

I was there taking pictures, hoping the soldiers with poitned machine guns wouldnt' yell at me. But they didn't care. They were a lot of people, just waiting being normal, walkignaround. I waslked right into it. I easily could have asked them, but instead I was just talkign to my friend. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF JOURNALIST AM I?????? I'm so mad at myself. (Come on, Jane, I've spent the last couple years learning to forgive myself for my mistakes. Learn from them.)

I saw about five boats on the water. And my friend said one was definatley U.S. Marines. One of the trucks of the Lebanese army looked like trucks in Jordan which are made in Israel (according to a Lebanese guy I talked to).