AUB Computer Lab
Originally uploaded by Jane Rubio.
Can I say how very much I appreciate how forgiving and understanding you all have been with me? Really trying to help me understand why I went crazy (even though no one else around me lost their mind the way I did.)
But I can't get this out of my head. Why did I snap? I have to understand why. It plays into one of my biggest fears about myself--that I will one day crack like I've seen my other friends and family members crack.
The research says that men with shizophrenia experience their first psychotic breaks in their 20's, for women it's in their early 30's. My 11th grade psychology students all caught on to this.
I've visited psychiatric facilities too many times in my life. After a very close friend/former boyfriend died, 3 years after being diagnosed with schizophrenia, I volunteered with the West Houston chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. That along with 2 hours of watching Little House on the Prairie every morning served as my therapy.
But then soon enough, I went to real therapy, which I was dong regularly for about seven years, until my last therapist said I didn't need to keep seeing her anymore.
It runs in my family. My dad has a horrible story of his dad being picked up by the NYPD and getting committed to some place in Queens or maybe upstate New York, again I don't remember. He had to go through all kinds of hoops to get him out, and he was a teenager at that time, having arrived from Venezuela not too many years before.
So it really bothers me that I lost it. And endangered myself and lost my free ticket home.
And by the way, I was sitting at this computer at the AUB dorm when I wrote a lot of those posts. And when I wrote that crazy the U.S. will bomb its own boats scenario, I wasn't alone. I was with a Lebanese guy. And we formulated the post together. So I didn't even make that up by myself. Again, too many voices influencing me, and the silly pressure to keep blogging. Just so no one would forget that I and Lebanon existed.
Like I've said before, I can't live by fear. And I can't live by any fear that I will one day start hearing voices and believing paranoid delusions.
God is bigger than all of that. He's saved me thus far. And He brought me home safely.
3 comments:
I don't mean to belittle your experience, which I know was hugely scary and stressful. But I've seen other people react similarly, and I sometimes wonder if part of the reason that we really whip ourselves up into a frenzy is because the more fear we feel, the more certain we are that our cause, or side, is right. In other words, if I am scared, it reassures me that there is something to be scared about, and that my hatred toward the one ostensibly causing the fear (in this case the IDF) is justified.
Again, this isn't to say that your experience wasn't actually full of fear and uncertainty. But speaking from experience, I have found that fear can also act as a justification for our anger and irrationality, which gives us an incentive to cultivate it.
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